time for space and time✨☁🌱
all things can happen ✨
My sweet friends, holy wow I have not talked to you in a moment.
I quit my day job, and last week was my first week as a full-time freelancer. I had planned it so that my first week as full-time Phoebe I had a deadline for a grant proposal. This was really good for my "i need to be doing 10934983 things" part of my brain because I got to go from busy into panic self-important busy. This felt really satisfying to the capitalist and productivity demon inside me, as well as my ego, to have something to put work and time into. Something I could sacrifice plans, and taking care of myself too. It fed that feeling of busy = important = valuable human idea, that I think we all have, and we all need to throw in the trash and burn.
I am on the other side of the grant deadline and have all the time and space in the world and nothing to sacrifice myelf to. And I kinda hate it. The thing I have been BEGGING the universe (myself) for, the thing I talk about ad nauseam and I am so completely obsessed, the rest and space and time I quit my job for is here, and I hate it.
This morning I woke up late, my coffee machine broke, and I didn't have anywhere to be till 10:30 am. It looked beautiful outside and the demons of productivity were quiet enough that I thought, I'm just gonna stroll to go get a coffee and figure out to do with the time I have to just kill in-between. It was fucking lovely, I ran into my friend Michelle and we had a coffee and talked about life, love and the universe and then went about the rest of my day.
Knowing what I need to create and feeling committed to my own self to be able to do it it terrfiying. But the gift of understanding and knowing what I need to create is SO POWERFUL. I know what I need to create. I need time and space and to get bored and be quiet. To take walks and let coincidence and stay open to all things. This is my creative process. This is what I need to honor for my own self. To finally get to do the things that I yell about the MOST, rest and nothing-ness, literal I have time to kill nothing-ness. This is a form of protest.
Mmm, also an idea that is not emphasized here but should come with a giant asterisk is that we are all creative. Things like capitalism and Elementary School have told us that we are not. I could write 7 books on this idea, for now, I will just leave you with this email and an all caps reminder that IF YOU ARE ALIVE YOU ARE AN ARTIST AND THE WORLD NEEDS YOUR CREATIVITY.
What do you need to create? What are you creating? What demons of capitalism, ego or fear are stopping you from creating? How shall you defeat them to GO FORTH AND CREATE?
Stay open to all things. All things can happen.
i love you
phoebe