Actually I try really hard, thanks
just pure raw believing in yourself because you're crazy
During my middle school run my school introduced win-its. Essentially scout badges for demonic actives such as “perfect attendance”, “office helper” and “chess club”. I cleaned up. And even won a badge for “having a lot of badges”. When I graduated middle school I was given the Lions Club Youth award for community service. On the plaque it read “service about self” (yes I worked on this a lot in therapy since.)
But what I think it important to highlight in all of this try-hard-behaviour is I wasn’t really good at any of this. Especially not naturally. I try really hard, all the time.
📓 January flops
I used to pride myself on my high batting average (not excuse me while I walk into a sports metaphor here I have no business doing.) I’ve been batting 100 the last few years, works gone viral, contests won, pitches accepted. And it’s because they were softballs. I was trying, but I was submitting/pitching/trying for the stuff I knew would be an easy get.
I have been rejected from every single pitch I have put out in the last four months. Work proposals, residencies, magazine pitches, lit mags. You name is. All a big no (or more infuriatingly ghosting me, which wtf is with that?). I’m punching above my weight. I am am putting myself into bigger rooms, asking for more money. I’m getting rejected a lot (big w for exposure therapy) but I am trying.
And also I feel I am making some actual traction. Each rejection feels like it hones my blade a little more. “that didn’t work, time to try it another way”. I sometimes think what doesn’t work allows you to gain more information than what does. I went to hair dresser school for a full day, left a cried on the sidewalk next to the king street streetcar. Don’t wanna be a hairdresser ✔️ got it.
I’ve been on a 30 day self-inflicted-quest to try for 30 days. Specifically to just talk about my work out loud for 30 days online but it’s had some ripple effects.
Sister Cortia Kent says…
RULE EIGHT: Don’t try to create and analyze at the same time. They’re different processes.
but… I’m going to! Also when you’re in a “throwing spaghetti at the wall” phase I think it’s worth while taking a moment to reflect.
🌷People Notice (even if you don’t think they are) 🍊
I’ve been getting it the last few weeks around town “Oh Phoebe I’ve been loving your videos you’ve been putting out”. Last week I was intro’d on stage as “a good instagram follow”.
These aren’t people I have talked to online, I don’t see their face in a like count, but they’ve noticed. What I think works about this, is volume. It’s never just “hey Phoebe I saw this one specific thing you said online” it’s the generalized “hey Phoebe I see you there trying”.
✨ You gotta be ok with people disliking you 🍅
For at least 5 min at a time (TITRATION!)
I would much rather sing to a room of a thousand people than a room full of 5 people I love. And thats cause I care about what those people think. So block your family on instagram, create a private account, lie about what your working on at the dinner table. It’s fine (and like quite frankly i don’t really understand my brother in-laws job so he doesn’t need to understand mine, you know?).
Being palatable is boring, stupid and for ugly people
Be cringe. Be free.
Also while I am writing this I am watching the Free skate program (my fav!) and I could write a whole essay on the intersection of sports and art (I probably will!) Piper and Paul having been T R Y I N G. 15 year long career and they brought home the bronze today. Cause they tried. 🥉 🫶 I cried watching this but the moment right as the music cuts and they both start weeping 😫. Before the judging, before the scoring. Just going out and doing your best, because yourebest is all you’ve got. UGH! POETRY! I LOVE THE OLYMPICS 🥇!
Ok! Much more to come from this experiment. Jacque Wills and I are working on updating our storytelling guide so watch this space for that coming in the next two-ish weeks).
🎭 SHOWS!
GTA I am all over you. Come see me doing irl comedy. Leave the house. Winter sucks! being in a room full of laughing people doesnt!
Feb 13th Hamilton // GALENTINES show with an incredible all female comedy line up
Feb 25th Kitchener // Rusty Nail Pro/Am night!
Feb 26th St. Catherines // Uncloseted Showcase Spotlight Comedy Club
March 7th Forest (free!) // Laugh-In Contest @ Forest Golf Club & Inn
March 20th Burlington // Club 54 Pro/Am Night!
ON THE POD 🫛
Ok thats it from me. Mostly just a check in. A sign post to keep going! Let us all try
xx
Phoebe 🌷
PURE RAW DELUSIONAL TRYING LFG