Entering play is intimidating. As a self-proclaimed freak clown, being the messiest self can feel like a performance. This is not to shit on performance. So much of life is a beautiful performance. And while the route and repetition can feel nice to know what to expect, play is not supposed to be a performance.
The commodification and overwhelm in messaging to be authentic has become part of the performance. Only the certain about of messy is allowed. And the right kinds in the proper moments. The performance of vulnerability and authentic human is what we deliver but I am caught up in being – is that actually it? Is crying on instagram authentic (and this is no shit to anyone crying on IG)? Or is a certain kind of performance we’re being asked for?
I am on month three of having a giant hole in my zoom background and week 4 of having most of my studio in boxes while work happens around me and the show literally cannot go on the way it once did. Messyness is the only option and while I feel past versions of me would poke holes in my performance of messy and ask for more editing, or to shoe up in a specific kind of authentic, I simply do not have the capacity to do anything but show up at the time and space I am at in the state I am currently in.
When I open any class container I outline a few ways of being AKA my boundaries/guidelines for a class. One of my reminders is that we are all messy freaks and strangers. We do not have to show up as any one version of ourselves, we just have to how up. And what one persons showing up looks like is absolutely going to be 5032992% radically different than the way we show up.
I flip that same way of being onto myself and can “what is the messy freak version that could be present?” I don’t have to be the best. And embodying this also brings me closer to my truth, my mission, my students and the big landscape
Am I avoiding something because I don’t wanna do it? Or am I intimidated it may not be the version of perfect I am asking for. Who is actually asking for this version perfectionism? And what is trying to reach that level actually doing to me? Could we just show up? Could the messy play be the thing we aim for?
Messiness
Marlee Grace posted a boundary list in their substack and my mind did a this 🤯 and a this 💆🏻♀️
SPEAKIN OF BOUNDARIES! Beyond The Binary replay is now available to rent! I could tell you lots about it but I’ll let this glowing testimonial speak for itself.
this resource on mutual aid is 11/10. Join me in giving to Help Vanessa (Ezra) Amos' family lay her to rest.
In The Roots group coaching call is May 3rd, join us!
IRL WORKSHOP ALERT! Clowin Around 🎪 is May 14th! Come roll with us (spots are limited for this in person class!)
LASTLY! An ask! I am taking on a handful of coaching spots in May to finish up my Somatic Attachment Therapy certificate. These sessions are discounted from my usual hourly rate and offered at a sliding scale. Book here or reply to this email if you’d like to know more!
many blessings for play and being a freak and showing up exactly as we already are
I love you all 🌷
Phoebe