Hi friend,
I spent 10 days wandering around Paris and came back home with 230293032 ideas and am most certainly all of the just got back from france memes now. But in all the ease and joy of eating baguettes and staring at art I dreamed of viewing, it felt ass awful to try and relax. There is the moment I have with any big dream that feels like 11pm at a sleepover. The gleam of the hot summer day you spent with your friends is gone and you’re left sitting on the floor in your bffs basement with “13 going on 30” left on and all your friends asleep wondering if you wake everyone up to call your mum to bring you home.
There was a climb to get to the space of “I cannot sit in this park in Paris France without having a tantrum today please spirit may it be so!!”. I have never taken this long off work before and the bizarre guilt and shame spirals that happen when you try and take a break are the wildest rides. They are the feelings and then the feelings of the feelings and then guilt for even having the feeling in the first place. I wrestled with myself each step of planning to boarding the plane to compromise “maybe I’ll check my emails this day, maybe I’ll book this cheaper hotel, maybe I wont visit this gallery or buy this little thing?”. All to try and justify the experience of going away to the demon of productivity and capitalism and anything that deems me a “good person” without any of the luxury, relaxation and inspiration I truly was craving.
I knew what I wanted on the other side of this experience. I knew what would be possible from the other side. I was craving deep inspiration I was craving 40923 new ideas, I was craving relaxation and pastries and lounging in parks and the art I wrote down next to my art history notes “want to see irl one day”.
This tantrum to relaxation makes a lot of sense. I wonder if our nervous systems are wired to receive luxury or joy in this way after two years of clenching in survival mode. Layer in the years and centuries of systems that would rather we take no days off it crafts a space of “is everyone gonna be mad at me that I took a day off?”.
But is the path to “just doing it” less of a fuck it and leap and more of “how many pillows can I pad onto me with care to make it across this bridge? Is it honouring our humaness and where we are at? And the knowledge that when we make the leap into the dream and inspiration we will probably have the sleepover regret spiral and knowing to create the space that trying to break up with these systems will infact feel ass awful is probably worth it if you can look at a painting and not answer an email.
pillows packed close ☁️
Unsure what Erykah Badu is up to here but I am fully on board
Pride in Hamilton this month 🌈 see you on dance floor 🍓
Mutual Aid 🪄 a trans Black man passed away because our medical system is racist and transphobic, his family are looking for funds to cover funeral costs.
Also happy pride to this song
June I am guest hosting some workshops with some of my fav collaborators!
First up is REC CENTER. When Alex reached out about this opportunity last year I did a literal happy dance, then they sent me my fellow facilitator lineup and I peed my pants in imposter syndrome and then pride. RELENTLESSLY YOU ✨ embodying your creativity to harness your unique superpowers is June 18th @ 2pm EST
Next up is the latest iteration of my beautiful GoodBodyFeel 🌱 I am leading our first monthly community connection Creativity in Motion: Inspiration in the Body 🪐 June 25th @ 11am EST + you can check out my latest on demand class here
LAST CALL FOR SLIDING SCALE SOMATIC COACHING SPOTS! (I submit my hours end of this month! 🤞) with my Creative Advising books still open 🐚
many blessings for the ass awful spirals and the return to the dream ✌️
I love you all
Phoebe