I was diagnosed with dyslexia in the second grade after being taken into a separate classroom and evaluated for 3.2 seconds. The first time I was asked to write my name in kindergarten I wrote mirror backwards. As frustrating as it is to have a hard time focusing on a screen full of words (and how bizarre I find my past time of sitting down to write and identity of “writer”) – I also think it is a super power. My brain quite simply does not think straight and it makes me incredible at lateral thinking. David Lynch and Miranda July make the absurdity feel sane to me in a world that is so backwards to my brain.
I believe so deeply in magic. I think in spells. Lateral thinking is the route for my own backwardness to be both my super power and kryptonite. There is a balance that must be maintained. A an equilibrium to strike.
If I believe in magic I believe in my capacity to cast my own spells. To be held by not just the earth beneath my feet but the spark inside me and the threads I cast out.
And in the same moment a voice that never seems to be able to be shaken whispers “thats silly”. The voice of “reason”. The voice of white supremacy and capitalism. The voice of fears that are not my own but instead passed down bone by bone until they landed inside my body. The voice of a memo handed to me long ago that I swear to tear up but like a card trick lands back in my pocket. Impossible to hold but the heaviest thing in pushing on me.
As I write to god, spirit, universe, my inner self and the tree next door I pray for “simple”. A linear thinking I know my brain could never dream up. A space devoid of questions, possibilities or effort. Simple. Like that is the turn key to the magic I seek.
I believe in magic, but how do I trust it?
If I believe in magic I believe I always get what I came for. Not what I asked for. Or what I get. Not what I journeyed towards. But what I came for.
If I believe in magic I believe in the complex possibilities that I will never understand another person, molecule, void or being in any degree.
I write down “simplicity” but I don't know how interested I am in actual simple. If my truest core magma belief is magic I don't think there is anything simple about the magic I seek inside myself and in the world. There is nothing simple about god, spirit the leaf on the tree next door or my own thinking in that simplicity is even a thing to be had, captured, honoured.
In every glossy instagram-6-figure-promise we discuss burnout as some passive thing that can happen to us at in the same promise of “passive incomes” or “mind blowing sex” and “THIS is the key to make all our dreams come true” like they are a subscription we need to sign onto. 3.99 a month.
The sustainability I think we seek isn't about the balance of actives and schedules and funds in our bank accounts but instead the pace of what is okay within whatever agency i have. The okayness of inside out.
Hands up over head i yell I TRUST GOD and leap. Not because I am gonna get what I want. Or that the business model I built makes me good enough. Or that I am both small and big enough to be perfectly consumed for someone else’s comfort level. Or that I am right or good or true. But I leap because if I leap i know I tried. I leap asking “who will I be after this?”. I am more curious about the version of myself that leaps than the version that never walks close to the edge.
I don’t know her.
Adele keeps singing in my head "I hope I learn to get over myself" but I hope I never get over the miracle of trying, of that little spark inside me that writes, signs, bakes, dances and just ever even kinda fuckin tries. The spark that thinks actually factually backwards and upside and deeply understands cows sitting on the sides of roads as a marketing strategy or the desire to climb into the nook in a hotel rooms.
Thats the sustainability I am interested in. That is the magic I seek.
I always get what I came for. 🪄
FINDINGS
Is THIS my fav episode of Do You Ever feel like? Until next week it is!
Two shows I am furious I cannot fly to London to see RIGHT NOW 😤
Eclipse season may be the reason for this wild dispatch today
NOV + DECEMBER COACHING BOOKS! If your 2022 resolution was feel more aligned in your work + creations, come check off that box. Wherever you are at in your creative journey, we can craft the path forward to help you get to the next spot and craft that magic you seek
I am a meme queen now, yes
IN THE ROOTS NOVEMBER WORKSHOP answers the age old “what the fuck do I do with all these ideas” without feeling like you have to subscribe to any systems that tell them what to do with it 🪄 Join us in process
BIG LOVE AND MANY BLESSINGS FOR THE MAGIC YOU SEEK
xx
Phoebe ✨☁️🐸
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