I treat myself with high regard. I do almost exclusively things I find deep, joy, pleasure and passion in. And thats new for me. This is a brand new download of information and experience and embodiment that has come from doing the inner work to cultivate the outer play I desire. And it has felt like it has happened all at once.
I have been cancelling engagements, not picking up the phone and not following through on a lot of âshouldsâ and for the first time in my life I have 0 guilt about it. A lot of this comes from being in one of the longest chronic pain flares I have been in in a while and finding the only comfort by lying on the literal floor, cancelling because I just gotta, and the other part is a big heaping dose of getting over any little voice inside me that would otherwise make me feel guilty. Because that voice doesnât pay my bills, or contribute to my care. That voice doesnât liberate me or care for those I care for, and that voice isnât mine. Its planted there from the lives my ancestors lived, from centuries of oppression they lived under, the external systems that do not want me to thrive. And quite frankly â I didnât ask for that voice inside me. I hand these memos back. I denounce their claim on me!
AND ALSO HOLY FUCK THE PANDEMIC. I will just never not remind myself of this my entire life. Get the sticky notes out and place them on our foreheads. We all have huge wounds right now. And trying to heal while weâre being actively cut back open again feels backwards. It is survival we are trying to work through. Opening your eyes into a new day is a miracle. I donât know why we would ever do anything after a miracle that doesnât bring more joy, liberation, and deliciousness into the world. I get a coffee on my way to the grocery store and I relish in it. I go for a walk and stick my face right in the sun beam and spin. I flop down into the snow and sing in the grocery store. I seek pleasure because this life is already a hellscape and I do not wish to contribute any more agony to the world. Pleasure is harm reduction.
So please please please. Give yourself a present. And soak it up. Enjoy every sip of coffee or sun beam. Sit out on the couch and play video games for hours at a time. Donât overthink it, just let it happen! None of this is superficial. I think seeking the pleasure in the world around us, by gifting ourselves a present, we seek liberation from the ways we are told not to enjoy and further more not survive, let alone thrive.
A chorus of Fiona Apples words sing in my minds eye
Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long
Presents for you
Grab your fav beverage and plop your butt right into the snow and lay there (bundled up of course)
Toni Morrison Doc, The Pieces I am â this is my artist date this week
If you need another gentle bully Simone Grace Seol is full of presents but here is my current fav
Iâm making my this Turkey chili tonight đś
A hike, a nap, any escape from whatever you âshouldâ be doing.
Everything Ina is up too here.
Email list always gets the goodies first but 1:1 slots with me are open for Feb + March. Dibs on these before I open them to the rest of the world/stay tuned for a new way to work with me ahhhh đź
I love you all, many blessings for only the specialist of treats for you!
big love
phoebe