I have been in a space of forcing myself to aggressively love myself. What I think is funny about trying to love yourself is you donât need to believe it to try it on. I can give myself a glass of water, take break, be kind to me, gift myself a walk or go to therapy or call a friend even when I hate myself, or donât believe that loving myself is even a worthwhile endeavour. I can look me in the eyes while i wash my face and say âi love youâ even if I get so embarrassed alone in the bathroom that I would rather die than say it, but say it anyway just to try it out for even 1.3 seconds. Its a muscle I want to build so I gotta start flexing it, one little âi love you, meâ rep at a time.
When shrimps moult to grow a new, bigger, exoskeleton, they become this little vulnerable noodley raw thing. The ocean water sloshes around there exoskeleton-less body so it feels painful. As they grow their newer, bigger suit, it doesnât fit quite yet and leaves them uncomfortable before they hit the âjust rightâ/goldie locks fit and have to start the shedding and growing process over again.
Growth and getting bigger isnât easy, or always glamours or cute or instagramable or linear or fun or comfortable and will certainly make you feel frustrated it is happening both to fast and not fast enough all at once. You can feel like this shrimp alone and noodly in your tank wondering why the fuck you didnât just leave that totally fine but way to tight suit on anyway.
But the alternative is being stuck into this uncomfortable too-tight and never trying anything new beyond the old suit and then dying in the too ridged unpleasant suit, instead of getting uncomfortable expanding into another and trying to be the raw vulnerable thing even for just two seconds.
I donât have to believe in shrimps to love myself, but I can give the process a go.
And waking up one day and hoping and praying Iâll just like myself one day wonât really work. There is some work that needs to go behind it, so why not just try the fucking work and see what sticks instead of crossing my fingers that Iâll check enough boxes that Iâll like me. I know this process is over and over again. Never ending, new suits so expansive and ever evolving I could literally never imagine. I could literally never imagine the suit I occupy now, 15 days, weeks, months, years ago.Â
So while jade rolling my face I can say âi love youâ, and while wrestling with myself to stop torturing myself to work i can say âi love youâ, and mid spiral I can hold myself and say âi love youâ, flex that muscle, shed the exoskeleton and slosh around on the ocean floor as the raw thing I am trying to grow my new suit.
what would be possible if we just gave loving ourselves a shot?
Moulting
Literally havenât stopped listening to Billie Eilish and Harry styles and I donât wanna stop
We kicked off our first In The Roots meeting last night. IT. WAS. SO. FUCKING. GOOD. You can catch the recording in the library + get access to all the other bits outside our live calls! (yes we did talk about shrimps here too)
This newsletter is ADHD specific but useful for all my squiggly brain babes!
I am teaching next week (the 12th! + 19th) at the AGH on Tuesday nights!
i love you all
big blessings for shedding the skin, trying the bigger suit on anyway