This world isn’t built for slowness. This I know. Intellectually I can tell you this. I can tell you about the books I have read, the speakers I listen too, the studies and politicians. I’ll march for slowness but never stop for it. I think of a 1000 of my ancestors working hands holding my shoulders, “don’t fuck this up for us”. Their deaths were their glory. The gold star scrolled across an obituary. “She sacrificed herself bone by bone, never thinking of herself” mine existence shall be the same. Good woman are good at self sacrifice. Slowness for others, but never for me.
When I am the steward of that slowness. When no other pace of offered to me my knowing is not present. All I can feel is the against the grain. The not enough. This truth isn’t front of mind when the dial is in my control. The missed calls and emails and ideas that I am now behind on. There was never an ahead or an on time but I am now late late late late. The pace to keep up. The gap is now wider.
I am on day 6 of covid. I am reminded of my slowness when I take small steps around the block to walk my dog. My face to the sun to slow unraveling of every clenched muscle I’ve had for the last 33 months. The stroll feels fine when we get to control the dial. But when my body asks, begs, crys, crumbles at the speed it needs for the day, the that moment all I hear is every memo of patriarchy tellings me I am not enough. Intellectually I know. But my bones do not understand. They are meant for everyone else but me first.
In a world that is not built for my current speed, or your speed, or the variables of speed and slowness and pace and sustainability how could we ever imagine getting up and going?
I ask, what do I need?
If I don’t see the thing I need in the world the answer is I have to make it. I make a deck. I make a community. I make a painting. I make a cake. I make space. I make time. I make.
What do we make for slowness?
I think the answer is maybe nothing at all. And I find that answer to be frustrating. I make care. But care is a response and not something I could predict on a spreadsheet. A variable to control for. It is the slow integration and learning over over and over that it all comes back to the body. And my body said “write”.
FINDINGS 🧭
I happened to save Dr Emily Bennetts email on “What actually helps when you've got a cold” a couple weeks ago and it was very helpful the last week. ☀️
Sitting on the bench in the park. Not walking. (While Winona happily sniffs around me unbothered by ‘not going for a walk’)
The wool socks I knit for myself last year that are very big and very warm.
Rewatching favs only. Nothing new here.
My childhood bestie Lu is getting part of his gender affirmation surgery in December and could use some funds to help his rest and recovery! He is also an incredible writer and I am just really proud to know him for many reasons. Support your trans artists cause WOW THE WORLD IS BETTER WITH THEM IN IT 💕
And speaking of paying artists! Last week we had Eddie on the pod to chat all things TV actors do for funds 💸
Here for 6 more weeks! Shop the Okay Oracle (would you believe it if I told you there were 3 different cards on “slow” in this deck… 🙃)
many blessings for OUR pace and the wisdom of our bodies
i love you all
phoebe ✌️
Really enjoyed this!