I have been pushing up against a lot of friction in my life. The table of tech bros that takes of space in my head was louder than I realized. “be serious” “passive income” “monetize all possible avenues”. It isn’t just the tech bros in my head, and while I do feel they are a grade A personification of patriarchy and capitalism – everything a man has said to me at a bar. The memos passed down from ancestors are the ones that sting the most. Those voices I respect so deeply, that i do not want to remove. The things they whisper feel far more insidious than the personification of any oppression.
When they feel the loudest and I ask them what they truly want. I stay curious like a conversation over a bottle of red. I promise to ask questions. They tell me they want my life to be simple. Easy. That this path is too hard, stay the course we’ve carved for you. Instagram makes me feel like i need to post pictures of my donut glaze manicured ring finger and make babies. To know you don’t want something but to constantly have to tell yourself and others of that truth makes me tired.
I ask what will I think of on my death bed. If I should ever be so lucky to leave with time to contemplate and look up at the ceiling. I think of the wine i did and didn’t drink, I’ll think of the memories I had the opportunity to create. The paintings I washed with oil and the ones I think wished I had painted myself. I’ll think of the pasta I made and the hands I’ve held. I’ll think of the bodies of water I baptized myself in and the walks along streets google maps didn’t recommend. It isn’t the paths I ought to have taken but the ones I choose to purposefully walk down.
While reading my human design chart I was reminded that my job isn’t to be asking people what they think of me. I remember that my job is to create. To research life and intersections and ask questions about orgasms and the way oranges are held in our hands.
To look at the table scape and think, this is important. Not just to me but the chorus inside my head. This is what I am here for.
This is my work. This is my job.
AN ASK! I am looking to chat with more journalists and podcasters! Is that you? Someone you know? I’d love to chat more 🪄 🪄 🪄 🪄
A series called “the gremlins in my head” 🧌
The Clearspace app is helping me scroll less in a way I actually like
Ray Bradbury’s advice, seems intense but also maybe worth a shot 🤷🏻♀️
Ray Bradbury’s advice for being more creative Every night read: - one short story - one poem - one essay Do that for a thousand nights and you’ll be stuffed full of ideas1, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
This tik tok on being an artist and business person online + chasing the moment
I asked for some dark academia vibe reccos on my insta and while I haven’t found the spot yet, this ASMR is getting me through. Any reccos for a quill pen to write these emails with?
This weeks Do You Ever Feel Like Women are project managers of the world? 🌸
big love and many blessings for our real work
Phoebe
p.s Like the new illustrations? Access to prints will be included for paying subscribers!