Every morning when I write my morning pages I end with “ok thank you spirit today I will…” and set some sort of loose intention for myself. Usually I don’t remember them and most of the time I could not tell you what happens inside or during my morning pages. It is kind of none of my waking business to know what happens between me and spirit at 7am and truthfully I never want to know what is coming out of my brain at that time. But a theme is emerging. Only understanding this after days and days of a row with the same end. “Ok thank you spirit today I will go at the pace I can go at”. And while I feel myself able to sustain the pace I can, I want slower and slower each day.
All I want is hibernation. The kind of hibernation that isn’t purposeful at all. The kind that allows me to knit a hat in a whole day, watch three movies and maybe pull the sheets over my eyes and into the sun. I think of my matriarchal lineage and wonder if they got to sit down. I feel the deep responsibility to them to not fuck up my next move for them. A very delicate and precarious chess game in which I am only playing myself. A negotiation to shop at only one grocery store and remove what I can from my list.
But it is not enough to doge to-do’s lists only. When my knowing is that that to-do list is a loop I’ll find on repeat. The role of eldest daughter, the role of partner, the role of friend, the role of collaborator and business partner, of artist and roles that people keep asking for the day I will dawn. I know my pace is right on time. Whatever I am today. Wherever I am today.
So today I walk. I walk at the pace I can. I stop and and I sign out because I don’t want to forget all the things I promised myself even when I think I have promised others parts of my. I roll dough between my fingers and I forgoe the plan because the flour needs to sit longer. If what happens between spirit and my morning pages is really none of my business then what happens after that has to be all of my business. My promise to not just show up, but to show up and listen. I go at the pace I can. 🐌 to arrive right on time.
FINDINGS 🧭
Jan 1st is probably my fav day of the year. Come celebrate, reflect and dream with a free.99 workshop in Right On Time ⏰ Jan 1st @ 1 pm Right on time is not about planning for a "new year new you" but instead a moment to honour the year behind and the year ahead, to arrive right on time for the person you are today. Notion journal included ✨
I got into salsa dancing a couple months ago and this is my fav playlist right now, plus i swear listening to salsa makes you warmer ✨
My beautiful smart friend Maya made a Magnetic Manifestation Gratitude Journal – basically all the journaling for my please
I read this is university and it changed my life then and I read it last week and it changed my life again. bell hooks, Women Artists: The Creative Process
big love + many blessings for exactly where you are and who you are right now on this day 🪄
xx
phoebe