I am incredibly talented at torturing myself into working in order to be a good person. I can tie myself to my desk from 9-5 and disassociate into a galaxy far far away because it is what good workers do. However 1. my work is not desk exclusive 2. I am typically changing out of my pjs at 9am to go walk my dog, so I rarely ever (never) make it to my desk even if it is “required” by 9am. This drama is so self-inflected. Learning to just notice that I am torturing myself is an upheaval alone. The divide and drama just remove myself from the task is another mountain to climb. And it’s a mountain every.time.
There is a whole bunch of “fuck it” required to muster up the courage to pull self away from the net of “i gottas”. When we are caught up in swirl there is everything inside to justify sitting at the desk/painting/page/task to keep “working” away. But what is so often required is shifting states to untangle self from the net of “shoulds”.
To remove self from the task/project/painting/song and go and feel instead.
So instead of torturing myself to push against something that isn’t working I ask – what needs to shift? And have the courage + fuck it enough to get up from my desk go for a hike, roller skate, listen to disco or go sit in the sun instead.
The small personal protests to rid the internalized systems is small daily work.
The wins we can take against capitalism I do truly believe rewire our nervous systems. The work is in carving these new paths. It’s putting on roller skates when writing isn’t working out. It’s listening to music in the kitchen and getting distracted while you make coffee. It’s calling a friend and taking yourself on a walk. Its a long bath at 3pm or the long drive home when no-one knows where you may be.
It’s the personal revolution that can and will ripple out of us if we let it.
Personal revolutions
Sara Weinreb’s deep dive into “plain vanilla” is 11/10
Its Asian American Pacific Islander month + the news of the Philippines election I am switching this on this weekend. Insiang has been on my “to watch” list forever. When I want to learn more I turn to art.
This ologies pod on ADHD has been a revolution in my household
Big comfy couch is my sole movement inspiration for Clownin Around THIS SATURDAY AT THE MOVE ROOM 🎪
and this horribly accurate meme that really could have just been this weeks newsletter (or all weeks)
many blessings for the effort to shift states and freedom and upheaval we can feel on the other side
i love you all 🌷
Phoebe