I hate back to school. This time of year engrains all the binaries I hated as a child. Do I wear a jacket? Who do I want to walk to school with? Will I have the right agenda? The sinking feeling in my stomach at the idea of having to walk to school in September still brings me stress as a grown ass adult woman. End of summer feels like a claw of binaries, like I’m being tamped into a mold and all I desire is to break free of it.
My reaction is to peel back. I want to do nothing. Stare at the water. To reject the thing that is trying to pull me toward it. I simply do not want A so I choose Z.
I think my options are linear. Hot or cold. Black or white. Hard mode or Easy mode. Fast or Slow.
But as I brush through my eyebrows and try to choose my fighter for the day. Fists up, or softness. I remember the stupid mantra on the stupid cards that I stupid wrote and made a whole stupid deck about. The answer is always firmly actually the middle.
The middle.
I throw my hands up in the air to surrender to what I always knew and choose to forget.
The raw unappealing murky grey ares where we step onto the stage with our armour and vulnerability hand in hand and shout out what we need. The space that no one wants to journey to because we know it is where we must land. No up or down or avoiding. We begin with “I want” or “I need” or “I feel”, making the concept of asking for a glass of water the most vulnerable thing you can do (it is). To look at the person sitting across the table from you and choose to love them and be disappointed in them all at once. To hold all truths inside you no matter how conflicting or hard to hold they are. To believe in change and slowness together even when you feel it might rip you apart.
It is, and always was and always be the fucking middle.
And I pray for the ability, strength and curiosity to always choose the middle.
Findings
DISCO PILATES! IRL classes are back 🕺🏻 Thursdays @ 5:30 from September 8th - October 13th. Sign up for individual classes here or the entire series!
The Messy DIY quest! If this isn’t a journey to the middle I don’t know what is! Its not too late to join us, you can begin anytime HERE! 30 days from 🥶 to sharing your big beautiful dream with the world! ☁️🍦🍂 Join a community of people tying out loud!
Showing up even when i dont reallllyyyy wanna but know that last nudge is where my magic lives (new podcast episode is up!)
Michelles newsletter snack plate 🤌 (also shes got a sweet giveaway going on right now too)
Self residency-ing (even if its just taking your work to the water)
Buying two packs of Oreos to breeze through the first one and then have the second for when you need a snack fir creating
I love you all!
Many blessings for the middle
Phoebe ✌️