Hello from the worst and best week of the year. It is both my favourite and least favourite. I celebrate by making myself at least one article of clothing, watching at least three BBC crime drama’s in full, not washing my hair and having at least one meltdown post Christmas (this year I had three🥰). Its a nightmare factory of no routines, not schedules, not knowing what fucking day it is and a heaven of eating a plate of cookies for breakfast, and not changing out of your pyjamas for several days.
Today I am sewing a skirt and knitting a sweater I was hoping to wear on the 30th. The skirt is done, the sweater is about 3% done (wish me luck). My best creation happens when I have nowhere to be, or as a I texted Jacqueline twice this week before facetime dates “I need not to talk to anyone today”. Just the playground of my minds eyes, the knowledge there I have nothing to do, the latest sewing pattern I have chosen to argue with and whatever Olivia Coleman got up to in the year 2013. Its this special sauce of unplugging, removing expectations from self and others, and just fucking being with ourselves, that I think I (we) can truly make solely for ourselves. Unfettered permission to be messy, to be free, to have bad ideas between the years knowing we can change our mind when Monday comes. AKA The perfect soup to create in.
What I think happens in this week, away from our routines, away from time, away from any real reality holding onto us, is creation. A resolution to self, a commitment to the dream that feels, at least this week, like it is only an inch away. It is my most favourite week because in some senses it feels devoid of any shoulds, lacking in any kind of structure. The only thing there is really left to do, is fuck around (and maybe not find out).
I made this place for me, first. The Creators Dispatch was born four years ago today (you can read the archives here 🥹). An idea born in the messy mind fuck soup of this week. A letter send out to 30 people, mostly my friends from a little IG question box where I asked people to send me their email and I’ll send them my feelings.
I made a space to write in and share. I wanted a spot to write each week, initially a hope cast into a spell. A spot to show up too, a bit of social pressure and a whole lot of leaping and being seen in my art. When I create for me first, when I dive into the unknown to uncover what I need, I only ever find nourishment, it can only be success. It’s hard, its never what I “set out” to do and it is always full of twists, turns, trolls and the inevitable tantrum, but its for me. Sometimes the things I make for solely me, resonate with someone else, sometimes they never see the light of day. Sometimes I think I have nailed it and I still get rejected, I don’t get “enough” like or clicks or views or the grant or whatever metric that is available to me that I decided is the sum of my worth.
I know if I make for me, everything else is just a bonus. Otherwise what is the point? I do not want to turn my art to be another thing to self flagellate with. It has to be the expression, permission and freedom I (we🥰) so deeply need. To know it doesn’t have to resonate, or make sense, or be good or be right if I know I have set out to set my own soul of fire. The only thing on earth I can give myself is that art I create.
This is my big soppy way of saying, thanks for being here, really. I have to constantly remind myself when I ask myself “what do I write about this week”, the answer is always, has to be, whatever I want. Because I know when I set my own soul on fire, you set your own soul on fire back. And that is ultimately what I know I want to create in this world.
And because I seem to be in the mood to quote myself I am gonna do it again 💃🏻
I like that I can show up to the page and share part of me with the world. I think that’s all we’re ever trying to do with our art, be seen in some tiny way. The being seen is the most terrifying park. But being seen is what makes it just from idea seed you and I can have, into the art. The sharing, the connection, the making of the ripple. The part that sees parts of me in you. What is art but not just a series of mirrors?
Thanks for being here. Thanks for seeing me, and thanks for letting me see you too. And as I said in my first sign off, ever to you all
You are everything. Everything is you. To be a human alive in the universe experiencing the ebb and flow of time. Wow. We are lucky. I love you.
Many blessings,
Phoebe 🌱
*typos are left to reflect the fury passion and 3D humaness of being a passionate freak in the world – and you know not a robot *beep boop* I am just a human girlie living on earth with a mortal brain 🤸♀️ (and also like, don’t be an ableist freak🥰)
Join us Saturday Dec 30th! @ 1pm EST for an Open Studio on TRUST(ing the process)
Free event for paid subscribers 💕 We’ll be starting with 15 min of journaling, a lesson with me (Phoebe!) and then open discussion + group coaching. 60 min total. 60 minutes of being together. 60 min of being seen, together. 🪄 (yes recording is available!)
Bring nothing but your sweet self, we’ll have a notion work book to move through but if you prefer good ole fashion pen and paper bring that! Join us while your cooking, painting, knitting etc. There is no “perfect” or “right” way to show up 😉
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